Here is another rant for my few devoted note readers, who really shouldn't be on facebook at work! Here goes:

Oh, America! Sweet land of liberty! You are WELL shameful!

I was watching So You Think You Can Dance (season 10 Bazillion) last night and I have to admit, it was pretty much awesome. I have to explain myself before you turn away with disgust. After I got over the trashy theme music (ba da ba ba soyouthinkyoucan dance dance daaance) and the equally trashy Mary (whose every sentence contains AHH HAAAAAAAH HAAAAH HA HAAAH complete with very large, white, gnashing teeth), the one-liners from the people auditioning were absolutely brilliant!!

Reasons why one girl didn't get a ticket to Vegas:

"They didn't like my pants"
AAAND
"I think it's 'cos I'm tall and most of the guys they pick are short and if I danced with them, I'd like be dwarfing them. Also, they wouldn't be able to lift me. I think the judges are racist... against tall people."

A really skinny guy in a gold mask aka Gold Inferno (you get points for the name, buddy):

“Jumpstyle music is uber”

“I’ve seen some of the stuff they keep, and that music is just terrible. And I go and dance to the best song this show has ever seen… or heard… and they shut me down”

“I’m disappointed, angry…. I wish someone would cheer me up……I think they’re gonna regret this”

But this other guy, Mr Fantastic, made the whole show worth watching, even if it meant enduring painful leaping cheerleaderish blondes with botox smiles and a man dancing in his underwear, claiming that it represented a clean slate (my eyes were burning).

ch-ch-check him out here:
http://www.youtube.com/v/AdVHzPDk1NQ&hl=en&fs=1

Robert Muraine, you sir, put the robot dance to shame!

xoxo Tess

I think it's time for an update. The last thing I wrote was in March. It's now nearly the end of June. I have morphed into some kind of pale mole-person, who never sees the light because a) when I get up, it's dark; b) when I come out of uni, it's dark; c) when I'm at home, I just lock myself in my bedroom and study until my Mum comes to remind me to eat something and she slides pieces of ham and kraft singles under the door 'cos that's the only thing that fits d) my light is broken from me getting too excited about Flight of the Conchords (fair enough, considering it is one of the best NZ shows everrrrrr created) and hitting it with my flailing spider-monkeyish long arms. Anyway, I'm so pale that people squint when they look at me because they just can't take the whiteness - some even go so far as to run away screaming in terror " IT BUUUUURRRRRNS", which is what I've also taken to saying when I step outside on the odd occasion that it is light. Now I can only go outside when it's overcast and raining.

Moving on... I am constantly plagued by the "stress monster" who gives me crazy-psycho dreams about spider monkeys called Klaus Fabio Tidermann and his fantastic hair. Actually, it was more a whack email that I sent to my Engineering Practices group, but I have no re-collection of actually sending it. I think I was just so tired and messed up in my head from too much cafine or something, here it is in all it's fantastic glory:

Dearest children,

CODE BLUE! I am calling a meeting of crammage on Monday after the Geology lecture so we can finish off the report. Small comp lab?? At the moment I am falling asleep on the keyboard - fdhsidghsKjngilvfhnfvjnfvnk - there is the proof from my forehead, so I will give an update again tomorrow when I don't feel like a spider monkey at a puppet show.

Someone pleeeeeease award me 50 points. So far, the appendix is looking okaaay, I need to finish references and we have to add a few bits and pieces here and there into the report. This has taken an exasperatingly long time (I really mean that) and it needs to be AT LEAST 3 TIMES BIGGER due to some extra stuff I'm putting in to make it snazzy. Hopefully, by tomorrow I will not be so crazy and by Tuesday night I will have my life back from the spider monkey. Sincere apologies for my sleep deprived message (just making sure you know I'm not drunk.... cough cough... Tom).

Be prepared for my skillful scribing abilities. You know who you are.

Ten four - let me see you try to roger THAT!

0114 hr, T out.

P.S. The spider monkey's name is Klaus Fabio Tidermann and he has fantastic hair.

Haha - even when I'm semi-conscious, I can still put a Zoolander quote into my emails. How embarrassing.

I am in love with Bret MacKenzie from FotC AND he was in LotR too!!!

Well, nothing out of the norm has really happened since my last lot of complaining/ general observations including, but not restricted to: boyish charm, year 8 stalkers, hey there Delilah, running....

I've finally started uni. It's great, the people are crazy - that's good crazy, not mad and harmful crazy, the lecturers are psycho egomaniacs with supersoakers..... there is a janitor called Haans with two a's not one, I still have a locker, the lifts have hatches and stringy gum, the toilets have scary pictures on them (spatula ghosts) and also have hatches with little knife men inside, the trains hold strange wonders... such as random people called Ana with one n, not two... who you were meant to meet even if you don't know them, and then spend three whole hours chatting about stuff and eating chocolate dairy bell ice cream and marshmallows, the green slime thing is ugly - it hurts my eyes, I've used my phone more than I ever have, my writing skills are brilliant, my maths sucks, my brain hurts from maths, maths is the bane of my life, maths is a waste of my time because I don't understand it anyway, maths makes me angry, maths has numbers which ARE NOT MY FRIENDS no matter what anyone says, I can't escape the maths, I hate that show "Numbers" because it uses math, if math was a person it would hunt me down and catch me like a fish because I couldn't get away due to the fact that math had already calculated my moves. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I wish I was a pirate. Pirates don't do math. I should have just done Osteopathy. Darn.

Aside from math, I'm cool. But I figure I need to do something aside from being really, really, really, good looking (in the boyish charm sense of the phrase, not the way Derek Zoolander uses it), to be able to pass. Therefore, maths will become my target, I need to be zen Tess, I need prayer - I'm going monk. (That's from Hansel, he's so hot right now)

Wow. I just read that again. I think maths is worrying me. Just a little. I'm not really used to being bad at stuff - academically of course, I'm pretty horrible at some other stuff outside that bracket. Last year kind of shook me a bit with...DUN DUN DUUUUUN...you guessed it...maths methods. I was really bad. Teachers would look at my work, shudder and think ewwwww.

Luckily for me, when I am bad at something, I keep trying until I get good - really good. Then I look at the next thing I'm bad at. The cycle of Tess.

I think that's why I did that camp in year 10. I needed to push myself physically, to prove that I could walk and raft about 500km in 21 days. Well I did it, and as a reward, I got a tan! OMGoodness, shock! But it faded when I hit VCE. VCE turns you into a mole.

Sorry, this was random. My mind is reeling.

Brian..... what have you got yourself into now!?

How many push-ups can you do?

Um - about 25. But I used to be a total gun and do crazy amounts.... on the train, on buses, at the library, on the road, at Maccas, while eating lunch, during ice-skating, underwater...... I'm joking.

Sure I don't have it quite as bad as some people. But this was just annoying.

I had a stalker.

A year 8 stalker. Gross - i know.

Do I look thirteen or something????? Probably. That's why I always had to play pre-pubescent boys in school plays. aaaaa. Totally distraught. And then in year 11 -

Ms B: here Tess, put this baggy jumper on so you can be a young Malcolm in Macbeth.
Me: But I don't want to be a boy - I'm always the boy... why can't someone else do it??
Ms B: Sorry, you are the only one with the physique here to pull it off, plus, all of the males here have low voices. Think of it as having boyish charm.
Me: Can't I be Lady Macbeth?? Check this out - (I'm spraying my drink bottle on my hands) OUT, OUT, DAMN SPOT! (Some idiot was in the background yelling "aaaaayyyyyyyyyy charmer")
Ms B: Thank you, but I'm not "checking" anything "out". And you (the idiot) can stop making suggestive noises and put your beard back on! Tess, hun, put the boy costume on, and don't forget to tuck your hair under the cap. It's quite cute.

Great. Thanks Ms Boucher. My dreams of being a reasonably nice looking young woman have been smashed against the rocks. Forever to be known as the girl with boyish charm.

At my own wedding, someone will probably ask if I am the ring bearer. RAAAAAAAAAA.

Probably stems from starting my sporting "career" off in an all boys baseball team, because they had no girls ones for that age group.

Anyway, the stalker kid is this boy called Shannan - same spelling as the buff trainer off biggest loser - he stalked me last year too. We just got this swish new library at school and we (Marie, Gity, Steph, Jess, Aparna, AJ and I) went to check it out. It was pretty good. Good for rampaging, that is!

Rampages in the library mainly consisted of moving all the books around to the different sections i.e: fiction in non-fiction, atlases in the magazine holder, anime on the top of the highest book case (the year sevens are the only ones who read it... and can't reach). One time we took all the books from the return trolley and put them just inside the alarm sensors near the doors. That way, when people went to pick them up, they set off the alarms and were surrounded by the year 9 duty (suck-up) monitors and had to explain that they weren't actually stealing a book from the library.

One particular rampage (which I wasn't a part of) - during a free (sorry - study period), Paige set off the fire extinguisher in the study room (never ever ever do that. It's dumb and costs lots of money. NEVER DO PRANKS THAT CAN HARM PEOPLE PHYSICALLY OR FINANCIALLY!!!), therefore - I had to go and study out in the general library area. I was trying to study - really, I had a Chinese oral SAC the next period - but this boy kept staring at me. Creeeepy. He didn't even move away when I looked back at him.

The next week - same thing. Just so you know, I was actually banned from the study room for three weeks - I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!. So I asked him what his favourite subject was etc etc. Anyway - he looked up my timetable and started waiting for me outside my classes.

By this time, I was getting worried - mainly for him (the week before, one of my friends said that if any creepy guys bothered me, he would "bash them to a pulp" ...nice language followed that- from him, not me - f, f, f, f etc)- I had a talk with Shannan about personal space. I didn't see him for six months. Yeeeeeeesss!

THEN... yesterday, I was getting the mail and he was coming home from school. Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUN! I just walked back inside. But today - being valentine's day and all (stupid day if you ask me), he came and stood on the front porch and sang 'Hey There Delilah' reeeeally badly. So I made him a milo and with the help of 'A from across the road', explained that he needed to find a more worthy pass time.

So he said, yes, I understand. I won't come around here anymore.

It was pretty sad, until he implied that 'A from across the road' was my boyfriend. Then it was just funny. I must have laughed for ages because I was crying. And A was laughing too.

Shannan left.

So we decided to play court cricket with the kids next door. I was really bad.

I just ended up sitting on the curb with A's sister, sharing her Bazillion chocolates that she got at work. Then she proceeded to tell me that I was cute and I had boyish charm. So I politely left and went home. I went on facebook - to be antisocial and alone. I didn't work. Dad was watching Top Gear from Monday.

First.... we just mucked around at church in the car park. Someone put their ipod music through the car stereo and then everyone was going psycho and attempting to do rave moves. Some better than others. I just stood back with three other people and watched the mayhem. Too good.

Second.... we made this stupid movie because one of the guys, Jason, had to do it for his holiday homework. It was basically a really random clip of everyone sitting on each other, broken up with clips of me standing on a mound of gravel and doing weird shapes with my arms. I was honoured not to have been forced to sit on anyone... mainly because I was the only girl there. Sara, Mel and Jane had already left to get a spray tan (dumb savages).  Thus I was chosen to be "wavy-arms girl". Finally, mixed with strange pulsing music it was turned into an ad for danger under the influence of drugs. Pretty fun making it.

This is a picture of the same boys doing the sitting thing in July last year:

Third.....If you look closely, the guy with the blue towel around his head (yes, a towel) did a performance of this scene from The Office for me:

Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?

Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.

Dwight: Okay, tell him that that's not true.

Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Dwight: Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. [Andy walks away] Jim! Tell him!

Jim: Andy... nah, he's too far.

Dwight: Damn you.

Fourth..... When I got home, I watched Topgear with Jez (see guy with the light blue trackies) AND we had popcorn AND Topgear was in America. Best episode. Why?? Because they had to do challenges with their cars such as seeing which car had the best brakes... only, if the brakes weren't that good, there was a chance that you'd end up in an alligator swamp. The best one was seeing who could get the others shot or arrested by painting slogans on the others' cars. Man-love rules ok?, NASCAR sucks, Country and Western sucks, Hilary for President, I'm Bi and the like. When they got to Alabama (NEVERRRR GO THERE), there was this hick lady at the petrol station who came out: "Are you gay?" "No, actually I'm married and have three children" " Do you want trouble?" "No, we are just passing through" "I'm going to get the boys"..... She comes back with these 6 men in a pickup truck who have baseball bats and rocks.... see below...it think this is the right one: